Wednesday, December 8

Mirror the Lot

Every part of me is fat. I have come to find that acceptable body part by part over a span of years. What I notice is that it seems easier to come to terms with fatness if there's some part of you that is petit, even average. Well I'm here to say that even if every part of you is fat and you can't find a necklace or a ring to fit you in the entire store to save your life.. you can still love your body. My most recent success is learning to love my wrist folds. So gone are the days when I'd envy other fat girls who had slender calves, tiny fingers, feet that weren't wide or an elegant neck that somehow didn't lead to a double chin.

I am fortunate that I have readers who are at all different stages of self-acceptance, because without the contrast no one would know how far they'd come. Please share your coordinates with me, what you see in the distance and what you've put in your past.  And if you're at a loss, or at the very beginning.. I need you to expand your sight to what's sitting right in front of you, waiting to work if you would just let it.

My first step was the self-portrait. I used my camera's timer to get a realistic look at what I am made up of. I hated it, and me, but I knew that some day there would be value in it.. I just didn't expect it to be priceless.


Please try it, even if you delete it or keep it secret. 

18 comments:

  1. This is really powerful - thank you for sharing!

    I think I'm still on my way towards acceptance. 2010 was a tough year for me, body-wise.

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  2. I think every girl needs to read this, skinny or fat. I still have trouble accepting myself.

    You- you are absolutely beautiful.

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  3. "you are perfection." love your slip amor!
    I am comforable with my fat parts..except for my arms ,but I work with what My Mama gave me..if I only figured out this earlier in my teens.

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  4. There is beauty is in everyone. your are inspirational beyond what i can say with mere words. your acceptance of yourself is in iteself beauty. I fully accept myself. I cannot diet. My attempts at weightloss all lead to anorexic and bulemic behavior and trigger binge eating. All three are far worse than just being FAT. Have you ever heard of a fat anorexic? It's me. I know who i am; and that is a more than my physical appearance. I accept what I am.

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  5. Rebecca, I was hoping that it would at least move someone so your words are really awesome to read! <3 I hope 2011 is better for you.

    Pixie, thank you so much. Feel free to share if you know of someone who may benefit from it.

    Dama, I am no stranger to time lost due to my own insecurity. I wish you luck with loving your arms.

    Sue, I agree whole-heartedly that there is beauty in everyone as well. I'm glad you're still following me and that you shared your personal experience with me (and everyone who reads comments to see). I have heard of it, as a matter of fact I was just reading a post about how a fat anorexic/bulimic person was treated in the healthcare system. Here's a link in case you were interested, I wish you the best of luck with acceptance, not only as the easiest alternative. <3.

    http://heavyaura.blogspot.com/2010/12/its-been-over-month-but-here-read-paper.html

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  6. When you did this, did you just take two shots and deal with those? I love these photos, the sepia is a nice touch. I would like to try this. Where did you get that nightie? Have I asked enough questions, yet? I was going to post a pic or two of bracelets that I've made that I think you'd like, and I'd like to send you just for havesies. I am however very distractable ATM, so I'll just leave you anticipating. :D I'll come back and post when I get around to it. :)

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  7. Rock.. I took four photos, the other two are on my Livejournal from way back when I had just done it. There's also a face shot and a shot of me from behind sitting behind at my desk. The nightie is just a simple dress slip that I got from Catherine's ages ago! (I still have it, it's basically grey and the straps are held up by safety pins :p) No you have not asked enough questions until you are DONE.

    And.. you made bracelets? And I can has?! You are too goddamn sweet, get off my blog! You're making me look bad! Maybe we should keep them a secret..

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  8. http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=230135&l=9e8afe390c&id=1714588905

    Couldn't figure out how to send this secretly. :)

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  9. If you're really interested in where I am in my process of self-acceptance/love... 2010 has been amazing for me, actually, and a LOT of it has to do with blogs like yours--and especially entries like this. A girl I know--I'm in grad school--is doing her thesis on fashion blogs and, while her bloggers are all of the average/skinny variety, through her project I found some big gal pride blogs like this and it has changed my life.

    Self-hatred is a powerful thing and it takes some time to adjust to life without it. It's like we hold it near us and feed it in order to feel normal--believing we have to have some kind of body dismorphia because that's what normal women do. Like I said, it's hard to let go but I'm coming to believe that the process is the goal.

    I'm nearing thirty and I spent my youth wearing clothes I hated thinking that one day my "real" life would begin and I could dress in the fun, colorful, professional ways I'd always admired in "normal" women's clothes. Your blog and blogs like yours (though few detail the kind of honesty and fun I find here) have convinced me that all the imaginary judgments I've made against myself are really IMAGINARY judgments the I make. Everyone else can go fuck themselves, haha.

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  10. Social, yes! I am really interested. The power of blogs can be so overwhelmingly positive and inspiring, I'm finding. Thank you for the feedback, what you commented here should be its own post!

    Self-hatred is a powerful thing and it takes some time to adjust to life without it. It's like we hold it near us and feed it in order to feel normal--believing we have to have some kind of body dismorphia because that's what normal women do. -- I couldn't agree more. It's like an auto-response disorder. You should hate food. You should hate fat. You should hate yourself. You should hate others. On and on..

    And;

    I'm nearing thirty and I spent my youth wearing clothes I hated thinking that one day my "real" life would begin and I could dress in the fun, colorful, professional ways I'd always admired in "normal" women's clothes. -- I did this for years, as well. I would even buy smaller clothes for when that day my real life would start. I convinced myself that this was "healthy" because I wasn't spending the money on eating out (making me fatter) or buying fat clothes (acknowledging or accepting that unavoidable fact) and that in itself, is so damaging. I'm glad you brought up the topic. Thank you for your honesty!

    And ESPECIALLY;

    all the imaginary judgments I've made against myself are really IMAGINARY judgments the I make.

    A+++ WE ARE OUR OWN WARDENS.

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  11. I love your self portraits. I take so many self portraits but I never show anyone the most provocative ones! It's frustrating. I know they are beautiful and I am proud of them...but I know the majority of my people-base would probably recoil.

    I often see fat prejudiced comments, jokes, links coming from random friends - usually in a joking and funny way and I do laugh but I am also quite aware that were I not their friend I might be the butt of the same jokes from the same people. And if I ever dare mention that fat prejudice is just as bad and much, much more accepted (and ENCOURAGED at every societal level - the peer right up to the govt itself) than racism, sexism, most 'isms, I am strenuously "corrected" and told that it is all in my mind. It's frustrating having all slim friends - they have no idea what they are talking about.

    So...what are my co-ordinates?

    I am fat. I have no problem with it in and of itself. Being called fat is only offensive if you hate fat people!

    When I dress up and take care of myself I look and feel beautiful. When I don't, I don't, same as any other woman.

    I look at other fat people and am inspired by the ones who work it and be themselves, and am saddened by the ones who are ashamed and hide. Every time I see a miserable overweight teen I am SO tempted to run up to them and tell them all about how there is a whole wide fat supportive world out there and how the idiots who make fun of them are destroying what could be the most fun years of their lives if they let themselves enjoy it! But I never do :P

    I guess I would say that on the surface I feel like an empowered fat woman, but underneath that is a very shy, timid, scared person who fears rejection, judging and prejudice. No matter how many times I ask a stranger a question and they look away and at my thin friend to give their answer it hurts a little bit every time.

    I want to break out and be proud of my self portraits! As an artist I am compelled to share, and damn the consequences and prudish reactions! But...so many second guesses...

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  12. You are beautiful on so many levels. :)

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  13. I only just caught up on your blog... this post is just amazing. Gonna share it everywhere :)
    xoxo

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  14. Sunflower, sorry for the late response but I had to take a minute to marinate on all this. First off, thank you for the compliments on the portraits.. for me to find out that you've got some of your own that you are already to the point of feeling really secure about -- is wonderful.

    I can empathize with being the only fatty in a group of friends. It is hard, for a number of reasons.. but I'm so glad you shared your particular experience being ignored when asking something or speaking up. Totally agree that it is an ism that's encouraged.

    I really like what you said about seeing that fat teen. I FEEL THE SAME EXACT WAY. Almost enough to make a bumper sticker, or have a business card that says these things on it to whip out. Though, knowing me, I'd probably go broke raining them on Denver. Ha..

    Now post your portraits.

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  15. Catty, thank you! That means so much to me, you are an inspiration to me! <3

    Thank you Natalie <333 Excited to know you're reading, NGL!

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  16. Seriously so much <3 for you and this blog. Kx

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  17. Thank you Kirsty, that's a huge compliment coming from you ^-^

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  18. Thank you so much! <3

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