Saturday, January 1
Know Your Destination
Dear Bad Drivers,
We need to have a talk. Short of a legitimate life-or-death medical emergency, there's just no reason for 99% of the shenanigans you pull. Please don't mind the yelling, but I've got to get real on you for just a second:
NOTHING IS THAT IMPORTANT.
Seriously, NOTHING is so important as to justify risking the lives of other drivers, passengers, or your own life. Nothing.
So you're going to be late? Ok. That's...bad. The boss will be angry. You may have to reschedule your appointment. Horror of horrors, someone may judge you. So you stand on the accelerator a bit harder than normal. Ten miles over the speed limit. Fifteen. Twenty. Woo-hoo, we're moving now, right?
Uhh...maybe not. It turns out that speeding, even fast enough to earn you a ticket for reckless driving, doesn't get you there much faster than driving the speed limit. I'm dead serious. Prove it? Ok. Here's a handy calculator:
So slow down. Think of the children (if you must). A few minutes almost never makes that much of a difference. If you show up at 2:03 to a 2:00 appointment, the world will NOT end. I promise.
AND FURTHERMORE, for the love of biscuits, don't speed in bad weather. I don't care if it's rain, snow, smoke, fog, or a blizzard of owl shit, slow the fuck down. One of my earliest childhood memories is of seeing a car with the cab razed off under a semi truck on a foggy morning on the way to school. Trust me, it wasn't pretty.
Now, I shouldn't have to say this, but...hang up and drive. Once again, nothing is that important. Going 25 mph in a residential area while your friend gives you directions on the phone is one thing. I get it. Just...pay attention. But you jackasses and douchettes who are flying down the interstate, gabbing your fool heads off? Cut that shit out. And I should hope you're not stupid enough to text.
It really chaps my ass to see people with priorities so hopelessly out of whack that they willfully endanger themselves and others on a daily basis. Trust me when I say that peeling out at a stop light does not make your penis larger, Becky and Muffy will likely wait until 2:05 before teeing off without you, and weaving in and out of traffic at 90 mph won't make your girlfriend wet. Well, not in the way you'd like, at least.
The bottom line is, if you're in a wreck or get pulled over, you're going to be MUCH later than you would have been if you'd calmly proceeded to your destination. Either way, you'll be out a substantial bit of cash, too.
Then...there's another breed of bad drivers. These people may or may not be willfully reckless, but the end result is the same. We'll call this condition...Driving While Stupid. The thing that kills me about most DWS drivers is that they are fully aware of their lack of, shall we say, finesse, and will tell you horrid stories about the things they've done with a motor vehicle, then ask if you'd like to ride with them to go pick up pizza. WAT. No.
One of the worst chronic offenders I've ever known was a chick I used to work with. We'll call her Fanny. Fanny was kicked in the head at age 12 by, no shit, a mule. One of the lingering conditions was very bad vision, the kind that requires special lenses in very expensive glasses. Fanny broke her glasses, and preferred buying pot to buying glasses, so she just drove without them. Her car was covered in battle scars, and for whatever reason, she liked to tell people about the time she hit an old lady in the mall parking lot. THEN TRIED TO DRIVE OFF. Guys, you can't make this shit up. Every month or two, she'd have some fabulous "I hit _______" story to share. To this day, I keep an eye out for her car whilst driving around town. Homegirl knows she has no business driving, yet she still haunts the streets of my town.
Or how about the woman who backed into the side of my car while I was backing out of a parking spot at the post office? When we got out to check for damage, she informed me that the accident was my fault because I'm supposed to honk the horn if I see her about to run into my car. I had to inform her that there's no chance to honk the horn if she floors it in reverse out of the spot, and that not all cars have working horns. Truefax.
And for fuck's sake, can we stop cutting folks off unnecessarily? Know your destination. If you're in the wrong lane and about to miss your turn, go around the block, get off at the next exit, make a u-turn, but don't make other people slam on brakes because you're a fucking airhead. We all have our finer moments, but own your shit and correct your shit on your own time.
Nothing's that fucking important. I promise.
p.s. Turn your fucking lights on when it's dark or in bad weather. Don't make me tell you twice.