This Panda's Wish

I've kept this around in my purse, in my backpack, with my make-up kit.. for months.  Usually quotes and fortunes don't stick with me for very long, but this did.  When I first read it I felt a flash of embarrassment.  How many times has my sour tone and shortness with a clerk or customer service rep made their day that much worse?  Or even more uncomfortable to consider, have I ever  made someone cry?  I remember being there, on the other end of the phone in a call center, hooked up to the dialer like life support, no break coming, weight on my mind from all directions and then I get that call.  

Now it stands to remind me that we all have this fantastic power of influence over each other, like sparks of static electricity, small but noticeable.. and everywhere.  So few by choice.

I thought about this quote in relation to this blog and those who choose to read it, and wished that I knew more about the people who do read.  I made this post a while back about not really caring what readers want to see in a way that would guide my blog to be more about others, less about my own experience, and I thought -- inauthentic.  I hope that that post hasn't made me seem unapproachable or uninterested.  I realize a lot of the shit posted here must make no sense.  That just can't be helped?  Let me say a few things directly then.

1. I appreciate the people who read this blog, especially so if it gives you something positive to take with you when you leave.

2. I want to be more accessible and easy-going in online relations and with readers, hence me starting a Twitter and Facebook for the page.

3. With that I'm looking to be more relaxed in posting, stop choosing the "nothing or perfection" method and just give you that funky Beej appeal I have had trouble showing sometimes.

I only want to be unaware of the effect I have on others who read if it's their decision.  Introduce yourself, please.  Tell me what you like.  How do you know me?  What have you heard?  Do you have any advice?  What do you hate? Done one of my tutorials?  Know me in real life?  I want to know.

Door's open mang.


  1. Please note, anyone considering a boyfriendship with this woman need NOT APPLY. She is taken.

  2. Hi Beej! You know me already, in that we comment on each other's blogs, and I'm pretty sure we "met" on the fats LJ? I think that's where we met.

    Keep being your awesome, funky, panda self.

    Btw, I got pandas and koalas confused. Like, not when I was a little kid. TWO WEEKS AGO. I had to ask my husband to clarify which one had tummy pouch and which one was black and white. I still get confused and think they both eat eucalyptus leaves.

  3. Thats a good motto to live by. Pretty much everyday! :)

  4. I "met" you on fatshionista, and I read, this blog because you are remarkably beautiful, and we don't get to see many beautiful people who are not also very, very thin. What a waste!

    (And in real life I live in a very small dairy-farming town where "dressing up" means "wear some jeans without cow poo on them", so seeing someone be fancy is lovely!)

  5. Our path's first crossed when i was 17. The first time i met you was also the first time i've been out of colorado and i went to stay with you for a week at your ADORABLE apartment in san diego at the time. I had heard lots of things prior to meeting you, and honestly, i was intimidated because i really wanted you to like me, and i didnt think you did.

    After that week, i didnt see you again until about june 2010 and it was so awesome to find out that you were living like 15 blocks down from me in denver. (longfellow holla!) and i came over pretty much everyday and I LOVED coming over to just kick it with you and val. I LOVED IT. I loved having some strong beautiful female influences. i was the happiest being with you guys.

    You in particular brenda, have had ALOT of positive influences on me. since knowing you, i feel as though i have gained so much. your advice, wisdom, opinons, fashion sense, creativness,quirky-ness have left me a feeling of self in a sense. You were always more than generous with food, smokes, and bubonic chronic. i always felt safe and comfortable with you. all of our inside jokes man! I feel as though i can tell you anything without any judgement. you are literally like the sister i have always wanted and yearned for. and goddamnit it sucks not having you guys here, but i understand that denver isnt where your heart is and you and val are doing great things in your 'homeland.' i hope you two are happy and healthy.

    i miss pissing my pants with laughter, smoking, singing/screaming at the top of our lungs,feasting, watching i love lucy, taking pics and the numerous other fun shit we would do...

    anywho, this is really long and i am sorry for that. but you have really impacted my world on such a positive way and some of the best memories i have are with you. i miss and love you!!! and i have been an avid reader of your blog and it is refreshing to see your posts and your thoughts and recent pics.

  6. I first noticed your pictures on Flickr's Fatshionista group sometime in 2009. I was looking for inspiration for my own blog at the time, and there you were.

    You stood out like a poppy patch in a field of rag weed, and I haven't stopped following you since.

  7. A little late to the party here, but I trust you don't mind. I was first "introduced" to you through your OOTD's on fats. Fats was probably ('probably' because the exact chain of events is a little difficult to remember) the place where I was first introduced to the concept of FA, so it's safe to say that you have been part of my journey right from the start. For that, and for your OOTD's which I love so much, I greatly appreciate you!

  8. Hi, I'm Kresta Rae Kaulupali. I met you at the Fatshionista livejournal site. Never met you in real life... I wish! I dig what you're all about and I like reading what you have to say. A couple of years ago you posted a picture of you reclaiming a room as a fat-positive space after a roommate moved out. You did a photo shoot of yourself in a night gown. I still think about that image. I'm all about loving our body and that image represents self-empowerment.


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